Hating Tories

How to Run a Daily Briefing

Hancock at Briefing

If you can, find figures that
make Britain look better
than other countries.

If you can't, then explain that
foreigners count differently
from us Brits.

If asked questions
about health and care workers,
say that they are heroes.

If pressed about their PPE, tests,
working conditions or isolation pay,
say again that they are heroes.

Hancock's Half Hour

Tony Hancock

Broadcast at five o'clock
to millions of eager viewers

Our hapless hero
tackles the latest crisis

Trying to sound authoritative
but never quite in control

His spivvy mate
usually gets the better of him

It's not Railway Cuttings
it's Downing Street

It's a situation
but it's not comedy

 

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The End of the End of Austerity

Sajid Javid MP

It's the end of the end of austerity
Can you believe the temerity?
Sajid has said
That his promise is dead
But the few will retain their prosperity

"Austerity no more" is no more
The previous promise ignored
The election is done
And the Tories have won
And the rule of the market is law

Nowhere to Hide

Tory win

I contemplated emigrating
or moving out of town
I'd spend my weekends walking dogs
my weekdays knuckling down

My grandmother was Scottish and
my great-grandma a Jew
And while some borders still stay down
perhaps they'll let me through

Or I could hump my tucker bag
and pitch up in Australia
(Though on that points-based entry test
I'd probably score a failure)

Imaginary Poetic Justice

Imagine if every time someone died
on an NHS waiting list
A scar appeared on
the skin of a Tory MP

If every time an MP failed to turn up
to an inconveniently-arranged appointment
They were sanctioned
​their state handouts stopped

Imagine if every time a person went to a food bank
a Tory MP had to go too
Not for a photo opportunity
but because the cupboard was empty

Homage to Hospitals

All hail to public hospitals
Which treat us at no cost at all
Come forth and heed the homage call
Give thanks and praise

Admire their shiny corridors
The wonder drugs in well-stocked stores
And colour-coded wings and floors
And curtained bays

Where patients' injuries are healed
By specialists in every field
Equipment-laden trolleys wheeled
In urgency

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