Roll up, roll up for the Sexism Olympics
Medals to be won!
It's not about your skill or fitness
But your husband or your son!
And the first event is ... Giving Men Credit For Women's Achievements.
Step on to the podium NBC,
telling us that Katinka Hossku's gold medal and world record
Were in fact her husband and coach's responsibility
because he "made her"
Step forward also the Chicago Tribune
Headlining that the "wife of a Bears lineman" had a bronze
forgetting that she in fact has a name and an event:
Corey Cogdell, trap shooting
Swimmer Dana Vollmer has just had a baby!
17 months ago, in fact, but isn't she marvellous?
The next event is the increasing popular Acting As Though Women Don't Exist.
Undisputed champion John Inverdale
triumphs again with this splendid effort
Congratulating Andy Murray on becoming
"the first person to win two tennis golds"
Which is only true if women don't count as persons
Murray fires a superb return of serve
reminding Inverdale that Venus and Serena Williams
Are in fact people and have won four gold medals
Dana Vollmer had a baby!
In the Target Shooting event
It seems that swimmer Katie Ledecky is a favourite target
A great first round shot from fellow swimmer and something of a prat Ryan Lochte
Who explains Katie's brilliance by saying that
"she swims like a guy"
No, Ryan, she swims like a woman who is really good at swimming
whereas you comment like a misogynist.
But pipping Lochte to the gold in this event is
the newspaper which headlined Michael Phelps coming joint second,
relegating Katie Ledecky's world record and gold
to a mere strapline
Note that the paper called Ledecky's event
the "women's 800m freestyle"
and Phelps' event the "100m fly"
- no "men's" required
Indeed, we have so many entries for the Men's Are The Main Events event
that we're going to need a repechage
Did we mention that Dana Vollmer had a baby?
A real crowd-displeaser is the multi-event Modern Gentathlon
A splendid opening effort from the BBC,
calling the women's judo final "a catfight"
While a head-to-head battle rages in the Judging Women By Their Appearance stage
between Fox News debating whether women athletes should wear make-up
And the numerous keyboard warriors denouncing Helen Skelton for
wearing a short skirt while reporting on swimmers
who were wearing rather less
But both are overtaken on the final lap by NBC (again)
observing that women gymnasts talking with each other
"may as well be standing in the middle of the mall"
Finally, it's gold for the BBC in the Relay
as presenter after presenter asks Laura Trott
about her impending wedding to Jason Kenny
But hardly anyone asks him.
That's the same Laura Trott who Radio 5 told us has
"shown that you can be a nice person, be a girl, and be good at sport"
Well blow me down - who knew?
By the way, Dana Vollmer had a baby a year and a half ago
See you in Tokyo in four years' time, fellas?