In January 2016, Conservative MPs voted down a Labour MP’s Bill that would require landlords to ensure that homes to rent were fit for human habitation. Yes, really.
How very dare these bloody reds
Propose a law that homes I let
Be fit for folk to lay their heads
They should be glad of what they get
So come and view my latest rental –
Compact, bijou, great location
Fit for nowt but very central
Fit for human habitation
The lights all work – I’m not sure how –
They’re shocking like the power sockets
It isn’t fit for humans now
But fighting fit to fill my pockets
Air-con’s standard – see that broken
Window gives great ventilation
Though it seems a tasteless joke, it’s
Fit for human habitation
A splendid place to grow your own
The mould makes patterns up the wall
The toilet bowl’s a breeding zone
And germs are thriving in the hall
This pied-a-terre will not need heat
You share the air with infestation
Nestling in a bathroom suite
That’s surely fit for urination
The cockroach says the gaff’s so nice
She’s brought her friends and family too
The rats have driven out the mice –
If they can live here, why can’t you?!
What you can pay, demand supplies
We are a free and liberal nation
Markets not the laws decide
What’s fit for human habitation
You really do not need much space
And as I told those daft reporters
Riff-raff used to know their place –
The stable or the servants’ quarters
No point spending precious dosh
On furniture or decoration
Renting to the great unwashed
Who don’t show due appreciation
They’re poor not human anyway
They’re working class, for pity’s sake
Be thankful for a room to stay
You don’t have bread? Then eat some cake!
If tenants won’t accept their lot
We’ll call in pest extermination
Bailiff’s boys will show them what
Is fit for human habitation
I tip my top hat to the Tories
Casting votes at my behest
This hovel stays within the law, it’s
Fit for feathering my nest
So when I’m back from shooting grouse
I’ll offer my congratulation
Landlord benches in the House
Still host inhuman habitation
