Blog: The Big J vs The Big C

Making the breast of a bad situation ...
On 4 October 2016, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This blog will chart my progress through treatment, and continued enjoyment of life, love and friendship.
​Expect humour, irreverance, occasional sadness, and staunch defence of the National Health Service.
​Btw, that picture is not me. :-)

Maps of my Baps

Today was the day (Booby Tuesday) to have an MRI scan. That's Magnetic Resonance Imaging, and it produced a much more detailed image of my tumour and breast than the scans (mammogram and ultrasound) I have had so far. It made maps of my baps.

Breast Cancer Top Ten

  1. Cup A - Radiotherapyhead
  2. You're the Breast Thing - The Style Council
  3. ​Inspect Yourself - The Staple Fingers
  4. ​Mammogram Mia - ABBA
  5. Ultrasound of the Suburbs - The Members
  6. ​Boops of Fury - Chemo-cal Brothers
  7. Simply the Breast - Tina Turner
  8. Booby Tuesday - Rolling Stones
  9. ​Mammaries - Brabra Streisand
  10. ​Dangerous - Bust-a Rhymes



Telling People

When the nurse had given me the lump lowdown, she asked me if I had any questions.
I didn’t want to ask about medical stuff – they had already told me loads and the rest was in the book or on the end of a phone. So I blurted out pretty much the only question I cared about: How do I tell my kids?

Diagnosis Day

Being me, I fucked up even attending the appointment. Got the time wrong (thought it was at 10:40; it was 10:20) then spent ten minutes in a queue I didn't expect to be there.
​We'll see if we can squeeze you in, they said, and squeeze me in they did. I expect there is going to be a lot of squeezing in - and some squeezing out - over the next few months.

Tumour Humour: Titter Ye Not

They're big and they're flopsy
They had a biopsy

Wore a gown like a nightie
My clothes in the lockers
Some people like me
But I do have my knockers

Tubes in my boobs
Making maps of my baps
Taking bits of my tits
Then I got the answer
It's cancer
Oh shit

Next appointment
They will be pointing
Their surgical pistols
Straight at my Bristols

Bad News and Rules

Dear Friends. Today I got the news that I've been expecting/dreading since I noticed a couple of weeks ago that my right breast had changed shape. I have breast cancer.
I have a 2.5cm lump, and the good news is that it hasn't spread to my lymph nodes. I will have an MRI scan next week, then surgery within a month, to be followed by further treatment.
In the meantime, here are the rules:


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